When your teen comes out to you as trans, tells you they are exploring their gender identity, or asks that you use different pronouns when referring to them, it can be a bit nerve-wracking.
You want to say and do the right thing, but it can be hard to know the perfect words to say (as well as words to avoid saying!) if this is all new to you.
Regardless of how you feel about your teen’s gender identity or your experience with learning about gender as a spectrum, the most important thing that you can do is to affirm and support your teen.
A study conducted by the National Center for Transgender Equality found that affirming a person’s gender through the use of updated pronouns and allowing name and gender marker changes on official government documents has been shown to improve mental health.
When your teen is going through the process of exploring their gender identity or realizing their gender does not align with the gender they were assigned at birth, it can be incredibly challenging and stressful. This is only exacerbated when they have to deal with isolation, hatred, discouragement, and a lack of support from their family, friends, and loved ones.
As a parent, you have the power to help alleviate any mental anguish surrounding your teen’s fear of expressing their true gender by affirming their gender and offering your unwavering support.
Affirming your teen’s gender identity
When your teen knows they have your love and support, it will be far easier for them to be able to embrace or question their gender.
Here are a few ways to help show your teen that your support them as they navigate their gender identity:
Use their pronouns
He, she, they, ze. While these pronouns might not seem like a big deal, they can make a world of difference to your teen. Using your teen’s pronouns is a way to show that you recognize and validate their gender identity whether it's the same as the gender they were assigned at birth or not.
When your teen tells you that they use pronouns that are different from the ones you are used to using for them, it may take some time to adjust. Try practicing by using their pronouns in different sentences until you get the hang of it, and if you ever accidentally use the wrong pronouns, correct yourself.
It can also be helpful for both you and your teen if you start introducing your pronouns when you introduce yourself. This will make it easier for your teen to mention their own pronouns, and it will help you get in the habit of listening for others’ pronouns as well.
Finally, if your teen shares updated pronouns with you, avoid referring to them as “preferred” pronouns, which suggests that the pronouns are not necessarily correct, but rather just a preference. Instead, just say “pronouns.”
Do your research
Understanding gender identity can be difficult at first. Do not put the onus on your teen to teach you everything you need to know about gender identity. There are many resources online that you can use to learn about how gender is a spectrum and not a binary, and these tools will help you better support and connect with your teen.
Here are a few sites to help you get started:
There are countless other websites that also have helpful resources, conversation starters, and articles you can read to help you get started.
Listen
When your teen tells you that they are trans or that they are having questions about their gender, make space for them to talk to you without judgment, doubt, or discouragement. Having a parent that is willing to listen and understand the unique challenges they are facing can go a long way toward helping them successfully navigate this process.
Make sure your teen knows that they can come to you for support if they have any questions or concerns.
Be an ally
When someone makes a transphobic “joke” around you or mocks someone for listing their pronouns on their social media profiles or Zoom username, your silence is deafening to your teen. Make sure that you are quick to speak up when you hear someone saying something offensive or incorrect about gender identity.
You can also help support your teen by donating your money or time to organizations that are supporting trans youth and advocating for gender identity diversity.
Another way to be an ally is to make sure that you are consistently reading and learning about ways to support trans youth or gender nonconforming individuals. By doing this, you are learning how to better support your teen while also showing your teen that you care.
