Do you remember when your teenager was a toddler and just learning how to walk?
They would painstakingly pull themselves up on two feet and take a wobbly step or two just to immediately fall down to the floor.
As much as you hated to see your child fall down, it also brought a smile to your face because you knew they were making progress toward walking and would soon be able to take more than a few steps on their own.
Imagine what would have happened if you constantly picked up your toddler and never let them practice walking because you were too afraid that they would fall down after a few steps. It would have severely delayed their development and taken them a much longer time to be able to walk properly.
While no parent would do this to their toddler trying to walk, this is exactly what parents do to their teens when they accommodate their teen’s anxiety.
Accommodating behaviors like ordering for your teen at a restaurant, signing them in at doctor’s appointments, picking them up from places (ie: “saving them”) when they feel anxious, and allowing them to stay home from events and experiences that are anxiety-inducing is akin to never letting a toddler take steps on their own.
These accommodating behaviors actually reinforce anxiety and continue the anxiety cycle. Instead of gaining exposure to new experiences and learning how to manage their anxiety, your teen never has to face their anxiety hand on or learn coping strategies that will help them in the future.
While this may protect them at the moment, it will leave them exceptionally vulnerable when they face anxiety-producing events that are outside of their control as they get older. You won’t always be able to step in and save your teen from things that make them feel anxious, and if they aren’t well equipped to deal with these moments, it will be a lot more painful and difficult for them to handle these situations.
So what does this mean for you as a parent?
Do you just sit by and refuse to help your teen with anything out of fear of enabling them and their anxiety?
Not necessarily.
There are ways you can help your teen manage their anxiety without accommodating this anxiety. Here are a few strategies to consider:
Offer validation
When your teen expresses feelings of anxiety, offer validation. This is especially important in situations where you are not going to “rescue” them from their anxiety.
For instance, say your teen feels anxious when they have to order their own meal at a restaurant. Rather than ordering for them and saving them from experiencing this anxiety, you should still make sure that they order their own food.
However, you can acknowledge that you understand doing so is difficult for them and that you are proud of them for trying.
Saying something like “I know how hard it is for you to order food when we go out to eat. I’m glad you’re willing to keep trying!” will help them see that you aren’t ignoring their anxiety by not enabling these behaviors.
Teach your teen techniques for coping with anxiety
If your teen doesn’t have any strategies for managing their anxiety, they will have a difficult time when you don’t step in and help. Help them prepare for these moments ahead of time by teaching them techniques to help cope with feelings of anxiety:
Taking deep breaths
Writing down when they successfully face anxious situations so they can remember these moments in the future
Practicing positive self-talk
Remembering that their worst-case scenarios aren’t likely to happen
Visualizing how they will cope with anxiety during a nerve-wracking situation
When your teen is equipped with tools for managing anxiety, they will have the tools they need to handle tough situations without needing you to step in and help.
Attend SPACE treatment sessions
SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) is a parent-based treatment program for parents of teens with anxiety. These sessions will help you learn ways to change your behaviors so that you are able to provide more support and fewer accommodations for your teen’s anxiety.
Old habits die hard. If you struggle with keeping yourself from accommodating your teen’s anxiety, SPACE can help.
Learn more about SPACE and other ways for you to help your teen cope with their anxiety without “rescuing” them from their anxious feelings when you visit the Creative Healing website.