“Hey mom.”
“How was school today?”
“Fine.”
“What did you learn?”
“Nothing.”
And the earbuds go in, and your teen checks out. It’s a scenario that plays out in many families, leaving parents wondering where the kid went that chattered on and on about the school day. If you try to dig in a little deeper to see what’s on their mind, cue the eye rolls, deep sighs, or retreat to their room. This clamming up does not mean your kid doesn’t love you anymore, and it doesn’t necessarily mean something bad is going on with them, either. Staying connected with your teenager seems like an uphill battle daily, but on a positive note, you don’t always have to have long, drawn-out conversations. Finding the key to unlock your teen’s silence can open up new opportunities and keep the lines of communication clear. Here are some parent-teen communication tips to help you crack the code.
Don’t Take It Personally
Getting the cold shoulder makes you wonder if you’ve done something wrong. Why won’t they talk to me anymore? And if an owner’s manual entitled How to Communicate With Teenagers existed, everyone would own it! Sadly, your teen didn’t come with an instruction booklet.
Though it’s hard, try not to jump directly to the Worst Case Scenario files.
Easier said than done, right?
The amount of changes your teen is experiencing is enormous. Trying to fit in, where should they fit in, forming their beliefs and values, and navigating being independent. This sometimes bumpy road they’re on can mean pulling away from you a little. And this is ok, and even healthy.
Outwardly, your kid might act like you are the most uncool human on the planet, while simultaneously expressing a desperate need for their mom or dad. Both can be true at the same time.
Changing your parental mindset can help. Thoughts of “my teen doesn’t need me anymore” can be framed differently - “My kid is growing, and I need to change my approach of how I talk to them.”
By making this small change, the playing field is more level and less like a fight.
Give Them Their Space
This is not telling you to back completely off. But if the answer is a sullen I don’t wanna talk, then respect that. Tell them when they’re ready, you’re available. And retreat to the kitchen, or bedroom, or living room. You’re in retrieving range, but not hovering over them, checking on them, or asking if you're okay-ing them.
Remember earlier we talked about leveling the playing field? With this move, you just sent the message that there’s no pressure, and I’m not going anywhere. That’s breathing room for your teen, and an open-door policy is established.
Creating this sense of security is essential to building trust with your teenager.
Connecting Without Saying a Word
This might come as a shock, but sometimes the best ways to connect with your teenager don’t involve speaking a word.
What’s your kid’s jam?
Maybe they enjoy
Binging the latest Netflix series
Stopping by their favorite coffee or treat shop
Playing video games
Taking a drive to a scenic place. It can be long or short!
Shopping
Create a masterpiece in the kitchen, then sit down and eat it together
Catch a game at the high school or stadium
Develop a hobby and do it together
Walk the dog (maybe at that scenic place!)
Listen to music, including their music
Check off your to-do list together
You’re probably saying to yourself, ok, these are great ways to be together, but if there’s not much talking, how is that equal to quality time?
Talking about their feelings face-to-face doesn’t always look like that. Sometimes, it can look like cracking each other up over an ugly pair of shoes, or armchair quarterbacking the team on the field. These seemingly ordinary moments still help you connect with your teen, and they might just create a comfortable environment for them to start the conversation.
Car Rides Make Awesome Conversation Pits
Remember the conversation pits of the 1970s? It made guests sit close to each other, but in a non-threatening way. Riding in the car offers the same vibe.
Sitting in the car, not making eye contact, you have to watch where you’re going, which makes it a lot less burdensome for your teen to start talking. It’s up to you to keep the environment light and easy.
Don’t ask, “What’s bothering you?” Instead, ask about that new history teacher everyone is buzzing about. You could even wow them with your level of coolness by knowing who’s singing on the radio.
There’s no guarantee they’ll pour their hearts out to you, but even if they don’t, and the conversation stays mundane, that’s ok. You’re showing them you’re there for them without the helicopter parenting.
But if they start opening up about stuff, try not to become the therapist. Instead, when they tell you school is really hard this year or that someone is being mean to them, acknowledge their feelings and then listen to them.
Talk Less, Listen More
Questioning kids is the adult way of showing we care. However, kids don’t see it that way; they view it as an interrogation and make a quick retreat.
Ask one question, and then wait. The door is open, and they’re free to answer. Try this
“What happened to that friend you were hanging out with?”
Try this instead –
“Maintaining a friendship can be exhausting.”
You Don’t Always Have to Teach a Lesson
This one is a complete departure from Parenting 101. But remember, there’s no manual, so we can bend the rules. It’s tough. You want to show your teen the valuable lesson here so they don’t repeat the mistake.
They don’t want a fix-it solution. They just need you to listen to them.
Building a healthy relationship with them that makes them feel safe coming to you with their concerns, no matter how difficult they are to talk about, is essential.
Parents shouldn’t wait until there’s a big problem to try to connect with their teen. Try to embrace the small moments that can open the line of communication. There’s no perfect way to create that connection. Instead, listen to them and help them feel safe in the moment.
At Creative Healing, we know that connection and conversation don’t always evolve on a schedule. It can happen during the ordinary hustle of the day, becoming something extraordinary. If you need additional support to communicate better with your teen, we would love to connect with you and help.
