Teen stress is often brushed aside by parents, because what seems like the end of the world to your teen might seem like a non-issue to you. Today’s teens worry about friends, appearance, finding themselves, getting good grades, making a team or club, and meeting their parents’ expectations. Your teen isn’t looking to you to fix things or make the stress disappear. They often just want you to stop and listen to their concerns, and understand that their feelings and stress are very real.
My Stress is a Big Deal to Me, Even If It’s Not to You
When your kid confides in you that their stress is at a 10 out of 10, inserting your own life’s stressors isn’t helpful. They don’t want to hear that phrase so many adults use, “Just wait till you’re an adult, then you’ll feel what REAL stress is.” The stress they’re experiencing now is real enough.
Look at it from their perspective.
Flunking a test might seem inconsequential to you, but to your teen, it affects their hopes and dreams for a college scholarship or sports eligibility, and can make them feel like they just don’t measure up. Friend issues might seem like a fleeting matter to you, but it can mean the collapse of your teenager’s entire world. While your response isn’t always needed, teenage stress deserves to be taken seriously.
I Can’t Put Into Words What I’m Feeling
Putting feelings into words is sometimes pretty tough for kids, mainly because they might not always know what’s stressing them out. Stress comes in many forms, such as headaches, sleeplessness, trouble focusing, irritability, or isolating oneself from the family. Instead of going into full research mode, be patient. Because it’s not a whodunit that needs to be solved immediately. Allow your teen some time to process their feelings and figure things out.
Please, Spare Me the Lecture
This one is a biggie.
Because teens fear a lecture is incoming, they are often hesitant to share their thoughts and feelings.
They confide in you that their schoolwork is overwhelming. You scold them to be better managers of their time.
They get into a tiff with their friends, and you tell them they should choose better friends.
They tell you they’re exhausted, which leads to a reminder on the value of not staying up late.
Ok, you’re not wrong on any of these points. But being right doesn’t always equal being helpful. Listening is sometimes more welcome than offering unsolicited advice. And it’s perfectly acceptable to ask them if they are looking for advice, or just a listening ear. If they tell you to listen, respect that.
Everyone’s Expectations Feel Overwhelming
Your teen is under pressure from every direction. Expectations from their teachers, coaches, friends, parents, employers, and most importantly, themselves. That’s a pretty big burden for anyone.
Many parents don’t put any pressure or expectations on their kids, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Teens are often driven to succeed, and their expectations can often be self-imposed. Tell your kids how proud you are of them, with or without good grades, a starting position on the team, or a robust social life. This can be an absolute weight off their shoulders and encourage them to see themselves through your eyes.
Social Media Is a Constant Reminder
Leaving stress at school used to be easy, but not anymore.
School handed them a full bag of stress, and instead of leaving it on the bus, they log in to their socials and are reminded of that stress through chats, messages, and notifications. Social media creates the Comparison Game, telling them there’s someone else having way more fun than your teen, has more friends, and is so much happier. Every photo shows perfect smiles, flawless skin, and endless fun with friends.
Of course, we adults know there’s so much more behind these social media posts than meets the eye. Your kid probably knows this, too. But even knowing this can still adversely affect them and cause stress.
Communication with teens can start with how social media affects them, which can open a line of communication and help them sort out what’s real and what’s not.
Can’t You See How Stressed Out I Am?
Stress management for teens isn’t linear. They don’t always come right out and ask for help. Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. Maybe they’re subtle with their hints, like not wanting to go to practice. And other times, it’s apparent, like slipping grades at school or isolating themselves from a normally vibrant social life.
These abrupt changes don’t always mean something serious is lurking within your teen. Just like you, they can have bad days and moments of sullenness or moodiness. It’s essential that you pay attention to their behavior. It’s ok to gently try to get to the root cause of this sudden change in behavior. Just noticing the change and crafting your questioning might help.
“I’ve noticed you’ve become really quiet lately, and haven’t been yourself. I just want to know how you’re doing, and if I can help.”
Not leading off with a lecture to snap out of it, or demanding they reveal what’s going on with them, means they feel safe talking with you.
Stop Comparing Me to Other Kids!
Telling your stressed-out teen that you handled way more stress when you were their age, or that their siblings never had a problem like this, isn’t a great start to the conversation. Comparing your teen's experiences or situations to others won’t motivate them to act differently or overcome their feelings of being overwhelmed. Instead, approach their feelings with an open mind. Find out what is difficult for them, spotlight their strengths, and dive in to see how you can support them when they’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
Teen mental health issues are framed differently than an adult’s, in that they aren’t always able to confidently identify and describe their feelings of teen anxiety and stress. Helping teens cope with stress might require a creative approach on your part as a parent, such as knowing when to speak up and when to let them decompress. Sometimes, parents struggle to pinpoint the right approach. If you’re feeling ill-equipped to support your teen emotionally, Creative Healing can help.
