At some point in their lives, everyone has acted impulsively. Many of us still do from time to time.
Have you ever tried grocery shopping while you were hungry? If you have, you probably noticed that a lot of the snacks in the store looked particularly good in that moment, and chances are you bought items that you normally wouldn’t have if you weren’t ready to eat.
While it might seem harmless to act on our urges every once in a while, when we give these urges too much power, they can cause a lot of damage, especially for teenagers who already struggle with impulse control.
If your teen has problems with lashing out at others, over-eating, substance use, or spending money, chances are they are allowing their urges to take control.
When this happens, many parents try to help their teens get rid of their urges altogether. While this might seem like a good idea in theory, it’s just not possible.
Imagine trying to completely rid yourself of the urge to use the restroom or the urge to eat? It can’t be done.
However, while these urges can’t be eliminated, teens can learn how to keep these urges from taking over.
You can’t get rid of the urge to eat, but you can choose to wait until you get home to cook to eat instead of stopping at a fast food restaurant every day, for instance.
In the same way, teens can learn how they can avoid giving in to their urges when they practice urge surfing.
What is urge surfing?
Urge surfing is a strategy that people can use to avoid continuing a behavior by “surfing” or riding out these urges until they subside.
Many people don’t stop and think about the fact that urges are just that…urges. They are not compulsory. They are not laws. They are not rules. They are not even habits. They are urges, and they are temporary.
Most urges disappear within 30 minutes if they are not given the attention they need to grow and thrive, and most urges don’t result in consequences when they aren’t acted upon.
Think about that last time you made an impulsive decision that you ended up regretting. Maybe you bought a pair of shoes or a new guitar or something else you weren’t planning on buying.
While it might seem like your urge was too powerful for you to take control, chances are you were feeding this urge before you acted on it.
When you ruminate on these urges, spend time justifying them, or give them attention, you end up making them stronger, which makes them seem impossible to overcome.
However, when you recognize that these urges will pass and you ride them out, they will often shrink until the point where you don’t notice them at all.
Imagine urges as a wave. When the waves seem insurmountable, you might just feel like giving in because you have no choice but to let the wave overtake you. But when you visualize yourself on a surfboard, knowing that you are capable of ruining the wave until it subsides, you won’t allow it to take control of you.
If you want to help your teen avoid acting on negative impulses and urges, you should encourage them to practice urge surfing.
Helping your teen practice urge surfing
Here are a few tips that can help your teen practice urge surfing:
Learn to recognize and label urges
It’s hard for teens to avoid urges when they don’t recognize what they are experiencing. They need to know they are in a battle in order to fight effectively.
When your teen is able to say, “this is just an urge, so it will pass,” they will be able to combat the negative urges that lead to poor decisions.
One of the best ways to help teens learn to recognize their urges is by teaching them to practice mindfulness so they are aware of their thoughts and feelings and the fact that these emotions don’t have power over them.
Visualize riding the wave
Teach your teen to visualize their urges as waves and to actively starve them as they “ride the wave.”
This means they shouldn’t think about their urge, try to mentally justify acting on their urges, or otherwise entertain these feelings.
Practice
When people learn to surf for the first time, it’s hard for many of them to be able to just stand up on the board in the water, let alone surf a wave.
Practice makes perfect.
Remind your teen that the more they practice urge surfing, the easier it will be each time.
Encourage them to celebrate small successes and victories in this area, even if they do give into urges every once in a while.
This will help them learn that making progress is important, so they don’t give in or get discouraged while they learn to urge surf.