If your teen has just come out to you, you may be wondering what you can say or do to help them feel loved and supported.
You don’t want to ignore the subject or act in a way that would lead them to believe that you are in any way disappointed or upset with their revelation, but at the same time, you don’t want to go overboard and make them feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed. While they want to feel supported, many teens don’t want their parents to make their sexuality into a “big thing.”
We know that trying to find the perfect thing to say or the exact right thing to do can be difficult. That’s why we’ve come up with this list of ways for you to support and affirm your teen after they’ve come out to you:
Thank them for telling you
Sometimes in an effort to show their teen that their sexuality doesn’t change their feelings toward their teen, parents will shrug off or ignore their child coming out. While it is important that your teen knows that their sexuality will not change the love you have for them, this is not the most supportive approach.
Making the decision to come out to someone else requires vulnerability, bravery, and trust. When parents act like coming out is no big deal, it makes teens feel like their vulnerability has not been respected and their trust has been misplaced.
Instead, parents should be sure to acknowledge their teen’s coming out and verbally assure their teen that 1.) they still love them unconditionally, and 2.) they are grateful that their teen chose to confide in them.
Validate their truth
When your teen tells you they are LGBTQIA+, don’t tell them that it is just a phase or ask them if they are sure. Instead, let them know that you believe them and accept them just as they are.
Focus on your teen
After your teen came out to you, you probably were left with questions like “Why didn’t they tell me before?” or an abundance of complicated emotions ranging from anxiety to fear to guilt.
While it is a good thing for you to be able to acknowledge and validate your own feelings, it is important that you put the focus on your teen after they come out to you.
Sure, it may be disappointing to you that your teen waited so long to come out to you. However, you need to put yourself in their shoes and consider how nerve-wracking and terrifying it must be to come out to a parent. Sure, you may be feeling anxious that their sexuality will make them a target for harassment at school, but right now you need to be more concerned about whether they feel good about sharing their truth at school as well as making sure that they feel loved and supported on the home front.
Learn
No one expects you to be an expert on all things LGBTQIA+ the second your teen comes out to you. As LGBTQIA+ terminology and gender identities continue to evolve, it can be hard for anyone to keep up without doing some research.
Although you may not understand what it means to be biromantic or to use “they” pronouns or to be asexual right away, you have the opportunity to learn. Take some time to do some internet research and find some organizations that can help you become a better ally. Doing so will show your teen that you are dedicated to understanding and supporting them.
Maintain open communication
Coming out is not a one-and-done conversation. Make sure your teen knows that you are available and open to discussing anything they want to talk about further.
Ask
A surefire way to make sure you are giving your teen the support they need after they come out as LGBTQIA+ is to ask them how you can best support them.
Let your teen take the lead and let you know what they want.
You may have a million and one questions, but they might not be ready to answer them yet. You may want to put up pride flags around the house to show your support, but they may not want to come out to the rest of the family yet. You may not want to bring up their sexuality anymore, but they may want to have multiple conversations about this topic.
By asking them what they need, you can give them the opportunity to share with you what would make them feel the most comfortable and loved during this time.
If your teen has come out to you, chances are they find you a trustworthy and supportive parent. Help them continue to feel this way by following the actions above.