When your teen approaches you with a problem they are facing at school or they talk to you about a situation that made them feel upset or angry, your immediate reaction might be to try to solve the problem.
“I didn’t make the basketball team,” is quickly met with advice for practicing and improving their game.
“I think my girlfriend is going to break up with me,” is immediately resolved with platitudes like “There are other fish in the sea,” or “Let’s come up with a plan to help solve your relationship problems.”
While your heart and your intentions are in the right place, trying to find an immediate solution can be a misguided approach. Oftentimes when your teen comes to you with a problem, it’s not because they want a solution, but rather because they want to be heard and supported.
Your teen doesn’t need to know that they need to spend more time studying at the exact moment when they tell you they failed their math test. They need you to validate their emotions and actively listen to them as they share how failing the test made them feel.
Although it can be frustrating to see a clear way to fix your teen’s problems and know that they aren’t considering this obvious solution, it is important to consider exactly what your teen needs in these moments.
They don’t need your solutions.
They need to know that they are not alone. They need to have emotional support. They need to know that they can share with you without judgment, even if you don’t always agree with the choices they make.
The next time your teen comes to you with their problems or big emotions, avoid trying to fix anything and try the following steps instead:
1. Practice active listening
There are a few things you should try not to do when your teen shares with you: interrupt, placate, or ignore.
Don’t cut off your teen when they are speaking in order to give your input on their situation or check your emails while they are talking. In these moments, your teen just wants to feel heard. Show them that you are listening by putting away any distractions, giving them your undivided attention, and using verbal and nonverbal communication to show that you understand what they are saying.
2. Offer validation
When your teen is finished telling you their side of the story, validate their feelings. Saying something like “I’m sure that must be hard for you,” or “I understand why you feel upset right now,” or “I’m sorry that happened to you. I don’t blame you for feeling angry,” can make a huge difference to your teen.
While offering validation doesn’t mean that you have to agree with the choices that your teen is making, it is an important tool that lets your teen know that you are on their side and that they are not alone.
You may not understand why your teen is upset about their poor recital performance when they didn’t spend any time practicing throughout the week, but that is not what is important at the moment. What is most important is showing your teen that their emotions are valid and that they have your support.
3. Show gratitude
It can take a lot of courage for teens to share sensitive news or big emotions with their parents. When your teen talks to you about a problem they are facing or anything else that is going on in their life, thank them for trusting you.
Doing this will let your teen know that they are not a burden, and it will reinforce the idea that they can always come to you for help because you care about what they have to say.
Saying, “I’m glad you shared that with me,” or “Thank you for letting me know how that made you feel. That must have been really tough,” will show your teen that you are in their corner.
The next time your teen comes to you with a problem, instead of trying to immediately propose the perfect solution, make sure you listen carefully, validate their emotions, and show gratitude. This will encourage them to seek you out in the future, and it will strengthen your relationship with your teen.