Everyone wants reassurance from time to time.
When we are worried about the way our outfit looks before an event, we want a friend to say not to worry and that we look good. When we say or do something embarrassing, we want our friends to say that no one else noticed, and everything will be fine.
While receiving reassurance from others can be helpful, it can also be harmful.
When faced with a fear or a worry, many teens with anxiety will want to check in with other people to make sure that everything is okay.
This might look like someone repeatedly asking the passengers in their car if they are driving too fast, asking their parents multiple times if they checked all of the locks, or sending a friend multiple text messages asking “are you mad at me?” if they don’t pick up the phone right away.
Teens may also seek reassurance internally. When they are worrying about a potential health issue, they might go on a WebMD spiral. If they are afraid that they won’t get accepted into their dream college, they may constantly look up statistics for accepted applicants.
Although your teen might believe reassurance-seeking is a good way to decrease their anxiety, this approach can backfire and actually increase anxiety, isolate them from their loved ones, and create a cycle where they are constantly worrying.
Why reassurance-seeking is problematic
There are many reasons why constantly looking for reassurance is not a good way for teens to cope with anxiety:
Reassurance-seeking can increase anxiety
Reassurance-seeking is not a helpful practice because it can cause teens to feel even more anxious than they were before.
For instance, a teen who has a sore throat and a headache might go down a rabbit hole on the internet searching for answers that will calm their fears only to be met with online diagnoses like a brain tumor or throat cancer. This will only elevate their anxiety levels. Instead of considering that they might just have a cold, they are now worried about dying.
When teens are constantly checking in with others or trying to assuage their own worries by seeking out reassurance, they are putting their anxiety at the forefront of thier minds and allowing their fears to steer their actions.
This only exacerbates their worries, leading to increased anxiety and making anxiety producing situations feel like legitimate threats.
Reassurance-seeking can harm relationships
A teen’s incessant need for reassurance can be frustrating for the people in their lives.
Answering the same questions over and over or being grilled about checking locks, scheduling an appointment, packing bags for a trip, or filling out registration forms is exhausting, and teens who do this may find out that their family and friends do not want to spend as much time with them.
This is especially harmful for teens with anxiety because it isolates them from their support systems when this support is most needed.
Reassurance-seeking creates a never-ending cycle
Until a teen is able to learn a coping strategy to deal with their anxiety, reassurance-seeking just perpetuates a cycle of anxiety and fear.
When told “it will all be fine” or “everything will be okay,” an anxious teen won’t just magically stop worrying. Instead, they will respond with “but what if it’s not okay this time?” or “it wasn’t fine last time, so why will it be better this time?”
When this happens, your teen will just need more reassurance and the cycle will continue without your teen addressing any of their fears.
Helping your reassurance-seeking teen
If your teen has a tendency to engage in this practice, you can help by breaking the cycle and not giving them constant reassurance.
Instead of offering your teen reassurance that everything will work out, it is going to be more helpful to encourage resilience.
This means letting them know that even if their worries come to pass, they can survive the negative situations and emotions that come their way. It’s reminding them that they are tough enough to face big challenges and teaching them that they can get through hard times.
The next time your teen tries reassurance-seeking behaviors, try to combat these actions by giving them words of encouragement and support that will help them develop their resilience and realize they will be okay without constant reassurance.