As annoying as boundaries may be at times, they are often important to our wellbeing.
If we didn’t have speed limits, there would be a lot more car accidents. If sheep weren’t kept in fenced-in areas, they would wander off and risk getting lost or attacked by other animals. If beaches didn’t have swimming boundaries, people could wind up in dangerous situations once they hit open water.
In the same way, if we live our personal lives without boundaries, we put our physical and emotional health at risk.
We need certain boundaries like the right to privacy, the right to change our minds, and the right to communicate physical and emotional limitations in order to make sure we stay healthy and safe.
Unfortunately, expressing and maintaining these boundaries is not always easy. Some people are afraid to communicate or enforce their boundaries out of fear of disappointing other people. Others grew up without any boundaries, so it is uncomfortable or strange for them to try and set boundaries later on in life.
Setting and enforcing boundaries can be especially difficult for teenagers who tend to have less control over their lives and more opportunities to cave in to the demands of others.
When your teen has trouble expressing their boundaries and being firm about making sure their boundaries are respected, it can cause them to compromise their beliefs and sacrifice their physical and emotional health to please others.
This is why it is important for you to help your teen learn and practice the Boundary Building Skill.
What is the Boundary Building skill?
The Boundary Building skill is a tool your teen can use to identify, set, and communicate their boundaries.
This skill consists of four parts: learning boundaries, understanding boundaries, identifying boundaries, and communicating and enforcing boundaries.
When your teen is able to consider each part of the Boundary Building skill, it will help them protect and prioritize their wellbeing when they interact with their friends, family, and other people in their life.
Here is a breakdown of the four parts of the Boundary Building skill:
Learning boundaries
Before your teen can enforce their boundaries, they need to learn what boundaries are and why they matter.
Oftentimes teens only see boundaries in a negative light. When teens learn that boundaries are in place to protect them from harm, it can make a major difference in the way they interact with others.
For instance, your teen might feel annoyed that their friend doesn’t text back right away, but when they realize that their friend sets that boundary to avoid feeling anxious and overwhelmed, it will encourage your teen to be more patient.
Learning about boundaries can also help your teen feel safe and well respected. Sometimes teens feel like certain situations that bother them are inescapable and just a part of life, but there are some situations that your teen may not realize that they do not have to accept. They can choose to set physical and emotional boundaries.
Physical boundaries have to do with their choices and actions. For example, they don’t have to share answers to a test, drink alcohol, drive over a certain speed limit, or engage in any activities they don’t want to do just because others want them to do these things. Emotional boundaries have to do with their feelings and sense of self. They do not have to put up with insults, negative judgments, ridicule, threats, or abuse from others.
Let your teen know that if something makes them feel physically or emotionally uncomfortable or unsafe, it is okay for them to set a boundary to protect themselves.
Understanding boundaries
Once your teen learns about boundaries, it is important for them to understand how boundaries work.
The most important thing teens need to learn about boundaries is that they must be communicated.
Has your teen ever told you that a punishment they received was unfair or that they didn’t even know why they were getting in trouble? When boundaries are not communicated clearly, it can make things confusing, especially when teens aren’t sure what they are and are not supposed to do.
This same idea applies to your teen and their relationships with others. Just because something makes your teen feel uncomfortable does not mean that they can get upset with people for crossing their boundaries. If your teen hasn’t let people know their boundaries, they cannot expect people to respect and honor these boundaries.
Identifying boundaries
When your teen understands the meaning and purpose of boundaries and how to communicate these boundaries, they can start to set boundaries for themselves.
This can prove difficult for many teens because they are not quite sure what their boundaries should be.
Show your teen that their boundaries are personal to them and that they do not have to fall in line with the same boundaries that others set for themselves.
Your teen should ask the following two questions to help determine their boundaries:
What actions cause me to react strongly? When your teen feels intense emotions after someone does something, chances are it is because a subconscious boundary has been crossed. Ask your teen to list the things that make them feel angry, sad, or hurt. Do they feel like crying when their significant other calls them a name? Do they feel anxious or scared when their coach yells at them? Do they feel angry when someone uses their belongings without permission? Recognizing the factors that cause them to feel unpleasant emotions will give them a starting point.
What are my values? When your teen has a good sense of their values, it will help them set boundaries. If they value integrity, then being asked to lie or to help someone cheat would go against their boundaries. If they value loyalty, being unfaithful to their significant other or gossiping about a friend behind their back would be crossing their boundaries. If they value privacy, then being forced to share their passwords with a friend or having you enter their room without knocking would be violating their boundaries. Have your teen list their values and ideals that they do not want to compromise so that they can set appropriate boundaries.
After asking themselves these two questions, your teen should have a good idea of their boundaries.
Communicating and enforcing boundaries
The final step of the Building Boundaries skill is for your teen to set and enforce their boundaries.
This means that your teen will need to communicate their boundaries with others. While this might seem daunting, it can be easier if your teen remains calm, respectful, and clear when they communicate their boundaries.
Here are a few examples of ways for teens to let someone know their boundaries:
I love when we hold hands in public, but I am not comfortable kissing in public.
I am comfortable with kissing and touching, but I am not ready to have sex yet.
While I enjoy spending time with you each day, I need to be able to spend time alone each day, too.
I understand that you are afraid you are going to fail the math quiz, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing answers.
After your teen expresses their boundaries, then they should expect people to honor them. While your teen can change their mind and change their boundaries later, it is important that they know that once they communicate their boundaries, they have a right to have these boundaries respected.
When someone starts to violate their boundaries, your teen should gently remind them that they have set a boundary. If the behavior continues or their boundaries are crossed, your teen needs to be assertive and firm that their boundaries have been violated and that the behavior will not be tolerated. This can even mean that they end relationships with people who continue to ignore their boundaries.
While setting boundaries might seem complicated, they are one of the best ways for your teen to take care of themselves and their physical and mental wellbeing.