Why College Acceptance Letters Feel So High-Stakes for Teens
It's that time of year when high school seniors learn whether they've been accepted to the colleges they worked hard to get into. For some, a "dream school" can feel like everything is at stake. It's an exciting but also intense and stressful period.
College admission letters often trigger intense emotions in teens because they feel like a high-stakes decision. A lot is riding on the decision of a group of strangers in a room somewhere. Teens use acceptance or rejection as a measure of their self-worth, their years-long academic effort, and their future happiness and success. Because of this, teens may experience big feelings like anxiety, depression, or even a sense of failure, which can feel overwhelming to a young person.
Why College Letters Feel So Personal
During this season, a teen’s self-worth is tied to a decision that is ultimately out of their hands. And they can frequently mistake a rejection letter as a personal critique, or even an attack on their intelligence, rather than a complicated, sometimes random, admissions decision. Especially if they have their sights on specific schools that may have high applicant volumes.
The Reality of Competitive Admissions
Acceptance rates remain competitive nationwide, especially at Ivy League schools. “College acceptance rates for elite institutions continue to hover at record lows. Many Ivy League schools are reporting admission rates at 3-8%,” according to Crimson. Meaning that even if your student goes above and beyond academically, there’s still only a small percentage that their application will be accepted against the thousands that apply every year, even if they excel in school.
The Pressure of the “Dream School” Narrative
Some teens may face a crippling sense of fear around this time. Many high-achieving students invest all their hopes and future happiness in a “dream school.” They believe that if they can get into their dream school, everything will be worth it, and they will be promised a future of happiness and success. However, if they don’t make it into that school, it means their hard work was for nothing or that they’ve disappointed those who have helped them along the way. Some might not even have a backup school(s), leaving their future unknown, and that can definitely be scary.
Social Comparison Makes It Harder
The pressure intensifies as classmates and friends find out if they’re accepted into schools and which ones. The comparison game and external social pressure to get into college or specific schools can lead your teen to feel shame, envy, or inadequacy if they feel like they haven’t lived up to their classmates.
The Stress of Waiting and Uncertainty
The application process and the waiting game after your teenager submits their application can be extremely stressful. The uncertainty and waiting can create high anxiety. Students have so many things on their minds and on their to-do lists during this time, how could it not be stressful?
How Teens Usually React (And Why)
When a big moment like finding out if you’ve been accepted or rejected (or waitlisted) for college, there are some common reactions and emotions to be on the lookout for with your child.
Emotional Highs and Lows Are Normal
Though teens seem like they’re older and have it all together, they’re still working on their emotional regulation skills. During a stressful season like college admissions, they may experience lots of “highs and lows” and lots of different feelings at the same time. They may be receiving acceptance packets and rejection emails, so a roller coaster of emotions is to be expected. However, since they’re still working on regulating those emotions, the ups and downs could, understandably, leave them overwhelmed.
When Disappointment Starts to Feel Heavy
Some high school seniors may feel sadness, hopelessness, or anxiety after a rejection. These could easily be signs of depression. Though typically temporary, it’s important to listen to and support your teen during this tricky season.
Stress Responses Can Show Up as Behavior
You may notice your teenager being a little distant, acting out, or slamming their doors more during this spring. They’re probably acting out because of the stress and anxiety they’re facing, even if they don’t mean to. Most adults have heard of “fight, flight, or freeze” response to stress, and that’s exactly what’s going on with your teen. Again, it’s probably a temporary response, but an understanding and supportive adult can help them navigate a tough situation.
How to Actually Help
Now that we know all of the feelings are common during college letter time, you may be wondering, “How do I help them through it?” The answer to helping teens during intense moments is probably easier than you anticipate.
Give Them Space Before Asking Questions
A parent’s typical automatic response when something is wrong with their child might be, “What’s wrong? Can you tell me what happened?” While this logically makes sense, it can be overwhelming for a teen. Your child needs to regulate their emotions before they can have a conversation about what they’re feeling.
What might actually help during a moment of big emotions is to validate their feelings, normalize their disappointment, and reassure them.
Validation Matters More Than Solutions
Validate their feelings, whatever they may be. Acknowledge their disappointment, anxiety, or sadness without minimizing it. All feelings are ok. Let them know you’re there for them and their feelings don’t scare you, and say, “I’m not going anywhere.”
When they’re calm, remind your child that setbacks are a normal part of life. And while it may be hard, this decision doesn’t define their future. Simply let them know that this is really hard, and "We'll figure this out together."
These simple phrases work because of the neuroscience underlying feelings. A dysregulated teen needs help regulating themselves, and your steady voice and presence as a calm adult can do just that. Validating their feelings and offering reassurance helps them feel less alone and understand that their experience and feelings are normal.
Stay Grounded During College Letter Season
Emotions run high during college letter season. These big feelings are normal, as the stakes feel high and teens may think the decision defines them.
Supporting your teen might be easier than you think. You don’t need perfect words. Just remain calm, validate their feelings, and show you're there, no matter what the emails say. And if you need help, Creative Healing is just a click away.