It can be hard to react positively when your teen comes home with a bold new hair color or a bold new wardrobe choice. It can be even harder when your teen decides they want to take up a hobby or start dating someone you don’t approve of.
Although the different changes your teen makes might come as a shock to you, it is important to remember that it is completely normal for teens to explore their identity and figure out who they are.
While some people might disagree, noting that back in their day, “we didn’t dye our hair strange colors or get wild piercings,” the truth of the matter is that everyone had their own way of exploring their identity back when they were teenagers.
So while sure, maybe you didn’t decide to shave the entire left side of your head, but you probably tried wearing a certain outfit, hairstyle, or type of makeup in order to try and see which “version” of yourself you liked best. You probably tried a new activity that everyone else was doing in order to try and fit in or maybe you tried something no one else was doing in order to try and stand out.
If you are struggling with the ways your teen is experimenting in order to find their place in the world, here are a few tips to help you understand and connect with your teen:
Remember identity exploration is normal
Teens are going to experiment in order to discover their identities and their places in the world. While the approaches they take to explore their identities might seem unconventional, this exploration is normal. In fact, this identity exploration is one of the key developmental stages according to psychologist Erk Erikson.
If your teen were not to go through this stage, Erikson postulates that it will be hard for them to have a strong sense of identity and purpose in their lives after adolescence. If you want your teen to have confidence in themselves moving forward in life, it is crucial that you support them during this normal and critical stage in their development.
Every adolescent experiences this stage where they experiment with different “roles, activities, and behaviors” as they are trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in. Your job as a parent is to support them as they go through this discovery process.
Think back to your own teenage years
If you think back to when you were a teenager, you will probably realize that you and your teen were more alike than you might have originally thought.
The same way you might not approve of the music your teen chooses to blast in the car, you can probably recall playing music in your room that your parents didn’t like.
The same way you feel about your teen’s non-traditional haircut is probably the same way your parents felt when you decided to grow your hair out long or get a perm when you were in high school.
Take a moment right now and think about your own teenage years and choices you made while you were trying to figure out your own identity...now think about your own teen. Not so different after all, right?
As a parent, one of the best ways to support your teen is to put yourself in their shoes and remember what it was like to be a teen yourself. This will help you realize that your teen’s actions are normal and that they should not be judged for getting to know themselves better.
Listen
When your teen starts making changes to their looks or behaviors in order to figure out their identity, it is important for you to listen to them without judgement. Instead of refusing to let them drop out of band to try out for soccer instead, ask them what prompted this decision and listen to what they have to say. Instead of letting your blood boil over their new haircut, remember that hair grows back, and ask them what inspired the change.
Asking questions and listening will show your teen that you are in their corner and that you are willing to support them in their journey to discovering who they are.
Being a teenager and wrestling with identity is complicated. When you are able to empathize with your teen as they go through this challenging time, it will strengthen your relationship and help you remain calm and supportive as they make different choices and changes.