You’ve probably heard the saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” at least once or twice in your life. While this concept is nice in theory, it couldn’t be further from the truth, especially when it comes to your interactions with your teenager.
As a parent, your seemingly small words and actions carry a lot more weight than you might think. While the casual comments and gestures you make might not seem like a big deal, when they are internalized by your teen, they can have a significant impact on your teen’s self-image.
Here are a few ways that your responses to your teen can shift their sense of self:
Unconditional positive regard
When teens are shown attention and unconditional love, they will recognize that they are inherently worthy of this love and attention, regardless of what they say or what they do.
This alleviates the pressure that many teens feel to be perfect or to avoid making mistakes in order to be loved and accepted by their family. Because teens will know that their worth comes from who they are instead of what they have done, they will be more likely to come to you when they mess up or face hardships, and they will avoid getting stuck in a shame spiral when they are less than perfect.
Here are a few things you can say and do to show unconditional positive regard:
Validate your teen’s feelings even when you don’t agree with them
Offer your support even when your teen has made a mistake
Tell your teen that you are proud of them without any strings attached
Consider the underlying feelings behind your teen’s behaviors
Performance-based praise
When parents only offer praise for accomplishments and productivity, teens learn that their worth is tied to their performance.
While no parent wants their teen to feel this way, it can be easy to say or do things that send this message.
For example, it might seem harmless to tell your teen that you are proud of them after they receive all A’s on their report card; however, if you never express this sentiment at any other time, your teen might begin to think that you only value them when they receive good grades.
When teens think that they are only as valuable as what they are able to accomplish, this puts an immense strain on them to always do things perfectly, and it can cause them to feel worthless or ashamed when they miss the mark.
Punishment-based attention
If the only time you pay attention to your teen is to punish them for negative behavior or to offer them a consequence, they will start to think that they are bad.
While it is crucial that you are able to set healthy boundaries and provide consequences when your teen violates these boundaries and expectations, it is even more important to remember to separate any problem behaviors from the child.
When your teen misbehaves, they simply did something bad, they are not bad in and of themselves. You can prevent your words and actions from being misconstrued in this way by doing the following:
Taking a moment to calm down before providing any consequences to your teen
Reminding your teen you are proud of them and who they are as a person even when you are disappointed in their actions
Offering attention to your teen when they are behaving appropriately and not just when they misbehave
Body language and tone
It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Sometimes you might say all of the right words, but your teen will still be affected by your tone, facial expressions, and body language.
Make sure you are mindful of these factors when you speak to your teen. If you grimace, sigh, or roll your eyes every time your teen wants to talk to you about friendship or relationship trouble, it will carry more weight than the words that you say, and it will teach your teen that you do not care about their problems or that what they have to say is not important.
Your attention and your responses as a parent can be powerful tools, and even the slightest word and actions you share with your teen will communicate messages that can either build or tear down their self-image. Be mindful of the way you interact with your teen and aim to show unconditional positive regard so that your child can have a high sense of self-worth.