Does your teen often complain about how they “don’t have any friends” or that nobody likes them?
Does your teen always seem to be in the midst of a conflict with their friends?
Does your teen ever talk about how close they are to a new friend only to say that they aren’t friends anymore the following week?
If so, you know just how frustrating or heartbreaking it can be to see your teen have such a difficult time developing and maintaining healthy friendships.
While your teen might feel like the problem is with their friends instead of with them, when it comes to building relationships with others, they get what they give. That’s why using the GIVE skill can help your teen maintain good relationships with their peers.
The name of this skill stands for “be Gentle act Interested, Validate, use an Easy manner,” which are actions that help foster strong connections with others.
Here’s how your teen can use each part of the GIVE skill to strengthen their relationships:
Be Gentle
There are many times when your teen might be tempted not to be gentle with the people around them.
When they feel like a friend has left them out, they might want to send them a rude message, ignore their friend, or hyperbolize and say “you’ve always hated me,” or “you never think about anyone but yourself.” If their friends say something that they don’t agree with, they might roll their eyes, smirk, or make a snarky comment.
While your teen might feel justified in these actions, responding to their friends this way is a surefire way to put a rift between them.
It’s important for your teen to stand up for themselves when they’re being wronged or when their feelings are hurt, but when they do so, they should avoid using threats, spreading blame, judging, hyperbolizing, and harassing their peers.
Act Interested
Everything that your teen’s friends say and do might not be interesting. However, in order for their relationships to thrive, your teen must be willing to pay attention and listen to their friends.
This means giving their friends their undivided attention and active listening:
Put away phones and remove any distractions
Face the person speaking and maintain eye contact
Nod or give other non-verbal indicators that they are listening
Avoid interrupting or talking over the other person
Ask questions when applicable
When your teen’s peers know that your teen values what they have to say, it will help them grow closer and prevent the relationship from feeling one-sided.
Validate
When your teen comes home upset about a situation, they are often looking for support over advice.
If they were cut from the football team, they don’t want a lecture about how they should have practiced harder, they want you to say, “I know how much being on the team meant to you. It must be very disappointing not to make the team this year. If they get passed over for a leadership position with the debate team, they want to hear “I can’t imagine how frustrating it is for you to get passed over for captain when you’ve worked so hard.”
However, when it comes to dealing with their friends, it can be hard for teens to offer the same validation that they want to receive.
Remind your teen that in the same way they want to be validated by others, their peers want to be validated by them. Simply acknowledging their friends’ points of view and struggles can be enough for your teen to create and strengthen bonds with their friends.
Use an Easy manner
Sometimes a little humor and light-heartedness can go a long way. It will be hard for your teen to make and keep friends if they have a tendency to be aggressive or have an attitude when speaking with their peers.
Help your teen learn to use an easy manner of speaking when they are communicating with their friends.
Making friends is difficult, and keeping friends can be even harder. Help your teen get off to a great start with their relationships by emphasizing the benefits of the GIVE skill. When your teen is able to practice all of the steps of the GIVE skill they will have a much easier time connecting with their peers and building healthy friendships.