Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers a structured approach through its Interpersonal Effectiveness module, which can significantly enhance your interactions with your teen. There are three core tenets of this module—Objective Effectiveness, Relationship Effectiveness, and Self-Respect Effectiveness—each designed to foster healthier and more effective communication.
Objective Effectiveness: Achieving Your Goals
Parents often face challenges when trying to communicate specific outcomes or requests to their teens. Whether it's discussing curfew, homework, or household responsibilities, the conversation can quickly escalate into a conflict.
These conflicts can strain the parent-teen relationship, leading to frustration and misunderstanding on both sides. Without the right communication tools, achieving simple objectives can seem impossible, leaving both parties feeling helpless and disconnected.
Objective Effectiveness in DBT focuses on the skill 'DEAR MAN', which stands for Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate. This approach helps clarify what you need from your teen and why it matters.
Suppose you want your teen to adhere to a study schedule. Start by describing the situation without blame: "I notice you’ve been staying up late and might be missing out on enough rest." Express your concerns and feelings: "I’m worried that it might affect your health and school performance." Assert your request clearly: "Could you please start your homework by 7 PM?" Reinforce by explaining the benefits: "This way, you’ll have enough time to relax afterward and get a good night’s sleep." Be mindful during the conversation, appear confident, and be willing to negotiate, perhaps letting them choose which subject to start with.
Relationship Effectiveness: Strengthening Connections
Relationships between parents and teenagers can often become strained, especially as teens push for more independence.
This push for autonomy can create feelings of rejection or loss in parents, while teens might feel misunderstood or excessively controlled, damaging the familial bond.
Relationship Effectiveness centers on the skill 'GIVE', which stands for Gentle, Interested, Validate, and Easy manner. This approach promotes interactions that strengthen the relationship, even when discussing difficult topics.
When your teen opens up about a problem at school, respond gently, avoiding judgments or immediate solutions. Show interest in their story by listening actively and asking questions about their feelings and experiences. Validate their emotions by acknowledging them as real and significant, such as, "It sounds like you were really upset when that happened." Maintain an easy manner to keep the conversation open and non-threatening.
Self-Respect Effectiveness: Maintaining Personal Values and Self-Respect
It can be challenging for parents to uphold their own values and self-respect when conflicts with their teens arise, especially when trying to enforce rules that are met with resistance. Compromising too much can lead to resentment and a loss of self-respect, while being too rigid can alienate your teen and exacerbate conflicts.
Self-Respect Effectiveness is cultivated through the skill 'FAST', which stands for Fair, Apologies (no unnecessary ones), Stick to values, and Truthful. This helps you maintain your integrity and respect in your interactions.
If your teen challenges a family rule, such as screen time limits, be fair by explaining the reasons behind the rule and that it applies to everyone in the household. Avoid unnecessary apologies to maintain your stance. Stick to your values by enforcing the rule consistently, and be truthful about why it's important to you, perhaps relating it to concerns about health and quality time.
By integrating DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness skills into your daily interactions, you can achieve clearer communication, stronger relationships, and greater self-respect in your dealings with your teen. These skills don’t just solve immediate problems—they foster long-term understanding and respect between you and your teenager. Embrace these practices, and watch your relationship—and your teen—flourish.