Has your teen ever felt really stuck?
When tough situations occur our teens may feel like they are stuck in the middle of a fork in the road.
You may have even heard them say, “Why me?”
They often have two paths to choose from. The first is rejection of the situation. With rejection, our teen’s pain turns into suffering as they may feel stuck, sulk in the pain and or try to fight their way through the problem.
Oftentimes, our teens try to immediately solve problems that are over their heads and out of their control. This then takes up their time and energy and then they feel exhausted, defeated and frustrated. This leaves little room for our teens to focus on things they actually can change.
Teens may feel frustrated that they can’t solve the problem or change their emotions. They may experience meltdowns, tantrums, and increased irritability when experiencing painful situations they cannot control.
However, the other path in the road is acceptance.
This skill is a way for teens to reduce their suffering in the moment.
In week 8 of DBT, teens learn about radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the skill of accepting the reality of a situation or things that cannot be changed. This may be situations that are out of our control and or times when things just happen and we cannot do anything to fix the problem in the moment.
The path oftentimes gets viewed as “giving up”. But this is not the case. Acceptance can ultimately create space for more effective problem solving skills and help teens focus on what power they do have.
When working with teens, emphasize that choosing acceptance may be hard in the moment, but it helps them to use their wise mind skills to better problem solve in the long haul.
Parents also need to practice acceptance when helping their teens work towards change.
Change can sometimes be a slow process. Imagine trying to turn a giant cruise ship to drive it in the opposite direction. A sharp U-turn would be impossible and any change in direction would create a lot of waves.
As we focus more on your teen’s behaviors, they may get worse and “create waves” before they get better. This is called a Behavioral Burst and is an expected part of the change process. Practicing your own distress tolerance skills and seeking support is critical to stay patient and trust the process.