When your teen is hurting, your first instinct as a parent is to rush in and help them feel better. While it is always important for parents to provide support for their teens, stepping in to help when your own emotions are high can actually cause more harm than good.
If you haven’t had a chance to think and to regulate your own emotions you risk misreading and misunderstanding the situation, showing anger or judgment, and escalating your child’s already heightened emotions.
Before you attempt to help your teenager, it is vital that you put on your own oxygen mask and make sure you’re not letting your emotions take control of the conversation.
Here are four steps you can take to make sure you are approaching these conversations with the mindfulness and care your teen needs in these emotional moments:
1. Manage your emotions
The first thing you should do before you talk with your emotional teen is to take a moment to observe and regulate your emotions.
Understand the primary emotion you are feeling, and make sure you are able to express that you are feeling that emotion without letting that emotion lead the conversation.
If your teen is upset because they failed a test they didn’t study for, for example, a frustrated “I told you so!” from you is only going to make things worse.
Instead, take a moment to recognize and validate your own frustration about the failing grade, and set that frustration aside so that you listen to your teenager without judgment and validate their feelings.
Remember, validation is not the same as agreement. You are not communicating that what they did is okay! You are, however, showing them that you understand their feelings, you are on their side, and you are there to offer help and support.
2. Identify your goal
As you evaluate your emotions about the situation at hand remembering that your ultimate goal is to help your teen, not to be right.
Think carefully about what you want and what your goals are for this particular situation.
If your teen drinks at a party and calls you to pick them up because they are afraid, your goal is to help them stay calm and stay safe. As much as you might want to remind them about the dangers of underage drinking or yell at them for breaking the rules, the most helpful thing you can do is to identify and remind yourself of your goal: safety.
Figure out what you want to accomplish through the conversation you have with your teen and make sure you do not lose sight of this goal.
3. Consider your relationship
Regardless of what you or your teen might be feeling in the moment, it is vital that you remember that you care about them and they care about you.
As such, it is important that you are sure to act in a way to preserve your relationship.
Before you step in to try to help your teen when they are emotional, ask yourself the following questions:
Is this the best time?
Will my teen be receptive to my advice or help at this moment?
Is this the best place to have this conversation?
Am I open to a conversation and ready to listen without judgment?
If your answer to any of these questions is “no,” then you should wait before you try to have a conversation.
Remember that you want your teen to feel safe and comfortable approaching you with other concerns or heavy emotions in the future.
4. Accurate expression
Once you have completed these steps, you are ready to have a productive and effective conversation with your teen.
When you sit down with your teen, make sure that you share your primary emotions, express your goal and how you want to resolve the situation at hand, and be clear that you value your relationship above all else.
These steps are commonly used in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) in order to help people manage their emotions and improve their relationships with others.
When you take these steps, you can ensure that you will help your teen handle the emotions they are facing while opening the door to more healthy communication in the future.