If you live with a teenager, you know all too well that their big emotions can turn into big actions. This is because every emotion has an action or urge attached to it.
When they are angry, they might slam doors or lash out at you. When they are sad, they may isolate themselves and withdraw from others. When they are anxious, they may avoid certain people, places, or activities. When they feel guilt, they may self-harm or other destructive behaviors.
While it is normal for your teenager to experience a variety of emotions, it is important for them to know that they don’t have to ride these emotions to the next level like an escalator. Instead of escalating their negative feelings until they become negative actions, your teen can feel their feelings without acting on any associated urges.
Sometimes teens can do this through problem-solving. If their emotions are justified, they may be able to resolve the problem at hand and prevent themselves from acting out.
If they are feeling angry for a valid reason, for example, they might have a conversation with the person who upset them until they can come to an agreement or a compromise that will make both parties happy.
However, in the cases where their feelings are not justified, and there aren’t problems to be solved, teens need to approach their emotions using a different technique.
One of the most effective ways to handle these situations is by using the Opposite Action skill.
The Opposite Action skill
With the Opposite Action skill, teens can manage their emotions by acting in ways that are in opposition to their urges.
For instance, when your teen is feeling sad, they may be tempted to isolate themselves from their friends and family members so that they can keep to themselves. Using the Opposite Action skill will encourage them to do they opposite, pushing them to reach out and connect with others.
The best time for teens to use this skill is when they recognize that their emotions are not justified or that acting on their emotions will not help their present situation.
To use this skill, teens need to do the following:
Assess their emotions and the facts of their situation
First, teens should determine the validity of their emotions and figure out whether acting on these emotions will be effective and appropriate.
For instance, if your teen is feeling afraid and has the urge to run away, and they are facing a credible threat, then it is will be good for them to act on this fear. If your teen feels fear, but there is no threat, they should consider using Opposite Action.
Determine the Opposite Action
When your teen has decided that Opposite Action is the best course of action for them to take, they then need to figure out what actions are in opposition to their urges.
If their urge is to run or cower away out of fear, they should take a few deep breaths and stay put while standing in an assertive position. If their urge is to yell at someone out of anger, they should take a moment to calm down and reach out to that person with kindness and patience instead.
To help them prepare for these moments, you can have your teen write down a list of emotions they experience regularly and ways for them to act in a way that is contrary to how they might naturally want to behave.
Repeat
Once your teen has started using the Opposite Action skill, they should continue to use this skill until their emotion changes and their urge to act out goes away. If they try acting in the opposite way once and they still feel angry, jealous, anxious, afraid, or any other emotions that can have negative urges, they should continue acting in opposition to these urges until they eventually subside.
When your teen makes a habit of using the Opposite Action skill in situations where it is best not to act on their big emotions, it will keep them from behaving in ways that are destructive or ineffective.
Remind your teen that they do not have to choose to allow their emotions to act like an escalator and carry them to levels they do not want to reach. Instead, they can choose to acknowledge and understand their feelings without acting on the associated urges.