Understanding the Cycle of Anxiety
Guest Blog by Jen Moyer, LPC
Anxiety often feels overpowering, for the person who experiences it and for the parent who witnesses their teen or young adult struggle.
Anxiety can have its benefits; we need it to stay safe. Some of us biologically have a more sensitive amygdala, the alarm center of our brain that uses anxiety to alert to danger. Having a sensitive amygdala is like having an additional layer of overprotection that can sometimes be helpful but is often not needed. The amygdala is loud and bossy; it tries to demand that we avoid what is making us anxious. When you are actually in danger, the intensity of the amygdala and the urge to avoid will serve you well. When you aren’t actually in danger, it gives a false impression that a situation is more threatening than it actually is and that you are less capable of coping than you actually are.
For teens with strong anxiety, this means that anxiety is likely having you avoid things, even things you care about. And it’s underestimating you!
For parents of anxious teens and/or who experience anxiety as well, this means that you probably also find yourself avoiding things and unintentionally making it easier for your teen to avoid as well.
The good news: Anxiety operates in a predictable cycle, and being able to recognize when you are caught in it is the first step to putting YOU (and not your anxiety) in the driver’s seat!
It follows a pattern that goes like this:
🚩Trigger: A person, place, situation, or thought triggers anxiety. A lot of times this trigger is not dangerous, but the amygdala registers it as a danger due to past experiences and biology.
😧Distress: You feel anxious and uncomfortable. Your brain sounds the “there’s a serious threat here!” alarm.
🏃♀️Avoid: You feel the urge to make the anxiety go away ASAP so you either avoid the anxiety-provoking situation all-together or do something to avoid parts of it. If you are a parent witnessing this pattern in your teen, your avoidance is probably related to helping your teen mitigate their feelings of anxiety by doing for them or modifying your behavior in some way.
😮💨Short-term reward: Avoidance works short term. It makes sense why we would feel the urge to stay away from what makes us uncomfortable; it’s effective in the moment.
😨Long-term stuckness and continued increases in anxiety over time: Here’s where avoidance backfires. Following anxiety’s urge to avoid when the situation is not actually dangerous sends the brain the message that the trigger IS dangerous even when it isn’t. Then the amygdala keeps sounding the threat alarm every time the trigger happens because it hasn’t learned anything different. It doesn’t get to experience the unexpected - that often confronting your fear will go better than expected both in its outcome and in how well you will be able to cope.
As someone who is prone to anxiety, I struggled as a teen to break outside of my comfort zone and tended to avoid the source of my anxiety. While this kept me feeling safe short-term, it also made my life smaller and less aligned with what I ultimately wanted. Now as a parent, I feel that same urge to make the anxiety go away all over again when I know my child is doubting himself and feeling nervous; I want to immediately jump in and protect him from EVER having to feel uncomfortable. I know now if I make helping him avoid my pattern, we’ll both feel relieved for a little while but I’ll ultimately be reinforcing a message that he isn’t capable of confronting anxiety on his own.
Even as a therapist, I’ve consistently had to work at recognizing when I’m getting pulled into a cycle of anxiety both for myself and my kids. I’ve had to be so intentional about reflecting on what seems best long-term and aligns with what I ultimately want so that anxiety doesn’t take over and have me focused on avoidance.
To start to take control over anxiety and break it’s cycle, follow these next two steps:
Step 1: Notice and name when you are caught in a cycle of anxiety
Noticing when you are in this cycle is the first step in taking control of anxiety, whether you are a teen who is experiencing it or a parent feeling anxious for your teen. When you can observe this pattern and give it a name, it creates the scaffolding needed to start to have more choice and power over how you will respond to it. It’s like the difference between being suddenly caught in a storm vs. being able to watch it on the radar and plan accordingly.
Noticing and naming the cycle sounds something like this internally:
“Anxiety is urging me to avoid again. It’s trying to pull me into the cycle.”
“My teen is caught in the cycle of anxiety and I’m noticing how that triggers my own cycle of anxiety. I’m wanting to handle the trigger for them to avoid this discomfort”
Step 2: Take time to reflect when you are outside of the cycle and feel calm.
When you aren’t emotionally activated, you have an increased capacity to build awareness and explore how the cycle applies to your life, which in turn helps put you in the driver’s seat. With an attitude of curiosity and compassion, ask yourself:
What do I avoid doing when I’m anxious and uncomfortable?
What do I do for my teen that I wouldn’t do if they didn’t have anxiety?
How do I change my life to try to soften a trigger for my teen?
What would a meaningful life look like for me? Does the cycle of anxiety deter me from this in any way?
What kind of parent do I want to be? Does anxiety interfere with me acting accordingly?
Stay tuned for concrete ways to break the cycle of anxiety in parts 2 and 3!